My Name is Jill & I'm Running on Empty

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates

2011-02-09T20:23:00.007-05:00

Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest was right about that. I also believe that love is as well. When love is new it starts off as a beautiful red velvet heart shaped box with a crisp satin bow tied around it that your lover gives you. You never know what you're going to get. Sometimes there's a guide that tells you how to identify all the different flavours, but even with that in hand they can be hard to tell apart. Once you have that beautiful box in your hand it's all you can do to not rip that bow off and devour the entire contents until your sick to your stomach. Once you have it open you find that some are filled with chewy toffee carmel that can be hard at the beginning and can get stuck in your teeth but the smooth gooey sweetness is so satisfying its worth the effort. Some are filled with pink fruit flavoured cream that leaves a funny taste in your mouth, but the flavour is sweet so you go ahead and eat it anyway. Then there are those few that are filled with smooth, creamy, melt in your mouth chocolate nougat, that you savour long after they are gone.

The trick is finding that magic chocolate box that never seems to empty; because if you don't find it, what you are left with is a box with nothing left to offer you. You hold onto it because it's still pretty and the lingering smell of chocolate reminds of all those delicsious little morsels that used to be nestled safelty inside the ruffle paper cups that are left crumbled inside. Eventually you will start to resent that box for it's empty promises as it sits on the shelf collecting dust. Ultimately it will end up in the trash.

If you are lucky enough to find that special box filled with your favourite flavours, practise moderation, don't be a glutton, don't forget to keep an eye on how many are inside, don't be afraid to share with the one you love and remember you still have to eat your vegatables. If you find the one you have is filled with chocolates that give you a stomach ache and hurt your teeth, don't feel obligated to finish it. If the first one leaves a bad taste in your mouth the last one will probably be worse.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-10-11T21:34:00.005-04:00

Generally for me Thanksgiving isn't a big deal. Sure we always have the turkey dinner... okay sometimes I make a ham, but you know what I mean. Usually by the time everything is done and we are all sitting down to eat after a frenetic day in the kitchen I forget what the day is about. This year I'm not doing a big meal. My sons are are eating with their Dad's family and my husband is working nights. Strangely enough this year in spite of the mid afternoon meal of smoked turkey breast tomorrow with my hubby and our wee girl I am feeling more thankful than most years and in honour of that I have decided to actually acknowledge the things I am thankful for.

I am thankful for being able to celebrate my parent's 50th wedding anniversary with them this weekend. It's been a rough year with both of them facing some medical issues but they are doing well and are still as wonderful and supportive as ever. And I have made a promise to myself that they will finally get to see their youngest daughter get her shit together.

I am thankful for my children. They drive me absolutely insane each in their own way but without them there are days I probably wouldn't even get out of bed.

I am thankful for my health and my family's health. I take it for granted sometimes but I am making a conscious effort to appreciate how fortunate I am to have a body that works the way it's supposed to and stop picking it apart because of the things I wish I could change about it.

I am thankful for my long suffering and ever supportive friend Lori. She is always there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on , a swift kick in the ass or a evening of chick flicks and laughing fits. (en retard!!)

I am thankful for Twitter. Without twitter I never would have gotten to know Erica Ehm the mastermind and heart & soul behind The Yummy Mummy Club who has in turn introduced me to the most amazing group of women I am now proud to call friends (Kelli, Sharon, Lisa, Nat, Maureen, Cheri-Lynn, Kathy, Racheal, Candace etc etc etc)

I am thankful for Sharon and her Twilight obsession. It is because of her that I picked up that first book and have now been sucked into the the abyss. I am hesitant to admit that I now even check in on a website that gives me a to the second count down to the opening of New Moon.

I am thankful that my family has food on their plates and a roof over their heads. While things aren't quite a dream come true I know that I am strong enough and fortunate enough to have the ability and the determination to make it what it can be. No more excuses.

And finally I am thankful for my husband Steve. Even though we drive each other around the bend , we have both managed to hang on by the skin of our teeth, give each other a leg up over yet another hurdle and still have the strength and the desire to keep on moving forward. It's been a tough couple of years but I think we can help each other find that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

Everyday that goes by that I don't stop and think about all of the blessings I do have, and focus on all the things I wish I had or didn't have is a day lost. Life is short and at the age 0f 41 that means more to me now than it ever has. Life, family and friends are a gift. A gift to be appreciated because a gift taken for granted is a gift wasted.

Wordless Wednesday - Unintentional Special Effects

2009-09-09T12:34:00.002-04:00

Monster Crane Fly "attacking" my friend Lori at the bonfire I had on Saturday.

A Life Changing Event....

2009-08-28T12:32:00.007-04:00

On Saturday August 22, 2009 I had a life changing experience. It is one that I will never forget and will be forever grateful for. I ran in the Toronto A Midsummer Night's 15km Run for Sick Kid's. That in it's self is a pretty significant event in my life... I have been running for years and that is the farthest race I have run in to date. But that isn't what was so profound. To be honest the run took a back seat to something much more important. I got to get to know in person the most wonderful group of women I have ever known. Some of them I had the pleasure of meeting a few weeks earlier but getting everyone together that day was truly incredible. I found it inspiring and heart warming the strong bond we all seem to have formed over training and encouraging each other over the past few months in preparation for this run. We encourage, inspire and support each other with unconditional admiration. And most of all we laugh... those deep down oops I peed a bit kind of laughs. We are sisters, we are friends, we are each other's cheerleader and we are confidants... We are Team Yummy Mummy!

I got married very young (the first time) and being the only one of my group of girlfriends at that stage of my life the camaraderie of the girl's night out slowly became less a part of my life until in my mid 30's when I married again and had another baby it was completely nonexistent. I've been struggling through a lot of pretty stressful things in my personal life lately and I found myself floundering. In June my friend Lori and I decided to run A Midsummer Night's Run and as a lark I tweeted Erica Ehm ( @yummymummyclub ) whom I had recently started following on Twitter and had tweeted a couple times about running. I told her what Lori and I were doing and asked if she was interested. I didn't even expect her to respond let alone come back with a quick tweet that she couldn't open the link on her BlackBerry asking what were the details. Never in a million years did I expect her to say yes and to have it become what it did. We became a group of over 15 women, some running, some walking and some cheering us on. I am in awe of Erica, her enthusiasm, her intelligence and her charm. She is the Yummy Mummy!!!!

I have several close friends that have endured my years of ups and downs with me. Friends that know all the skeletons in my closet and yet they still love me. What I haven't had since my big hair, hitting the bars days of my youth is the group of girlfriends. There is something special about the bond that a group of women with common interests, great senses of humour and mutual respect have. It is a sisterhood built on supporting each other through whatever life throws us. Women are there for their friends ready to give them what they need, whether it's a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, a morsel of advice or a swift kick in the ass... we are there for each other no matter what. I have missed that over the years and am eternally grateful to be a part of this sisterhood.

Go Team Yummy Mummy!!!

It Starts Now

2009-08-19T00:10:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted in a while and it's time to get back on track. I've had a lot of things going on lately making me feel a little overwhelmed and I feel like I need to take the reins back. I don't even feel like going into detail about what has been going on, I've decided that I need to spend more time accentuating the positive. I think it is time to stop standing in my own way.

So that was the way things were.... from now on it's going to be different. I finally realized that I have been letting life pass me by for years. I think I knew that but recently I went to a 40th birthday party for a new friend I "met" on Twitter .... Hi Sharon and after seeing all the pictures that were taken I realized that for a long time I've looking at everyone else's pictures on facebook but I never had any pictures of fun get togethers of my own. It had been a long long time since I had done anything like that. I liked it! It really hit me how isolated I had become when my teenage son told me the other day that I had no life. He didn't mean it as an insult he was worried about me. He is right, I haven't had a life for a long long time, and life is too short and too precious to let it slip away without a fight.

That's it... I'm done living life on the side lines. I'm done feeling guilty if I want to have a social life and not be stuck at home day after day. I have to learn to enjoy my life and enjoy being myself again. I owe it my kids. Mummy hasn't been a lot of fun for way way too long. So that is what I am doing now. I am publicly declaring that from this point forward I am making a change. I am not going to use the cliche phrases like "finding myself" or "reinventing myself" because that is not what I want. I like who I am and I don't want to change that. I realize now that I have always been the same person, that never changed, my life changed. I have just forgotten what it's like to have fun. To include other people in my life, new experiences, life. Crisis does that to you. You circle the wagons and fight for your life. I've been fighting for so long I've forgotten how to take down my defenses. That is what I am changing - my attitude. I had always prided myself at being spontaneous and eager to learn new things, challenge myself, enjoy life. I was the first person I knew to get a tattoo (female person anyway) because I wanted to - much to my Mother's chagrin. At the age of 18 I got my motorcycle license and got a motorcycle and rode it. I haven't ridden a bike in over 18 years. I enjoyed going out with my friends, having people over, I enjoyed being around people who enjoyed my company. In the past 7 years other than my family and a Pampered Chef party I have entertained more than one adult type person at a time in my house once, and that was 7 years ago. That has to change. No more "Stick-in-the-Mud Mummy" I want to be "Try New Things Mummy" again. It's time to spread those wings. It's time to build a happier life for me and my kids.

My First Meme....

2009-07-24T23:49:00.000-04:00

According to thedailymeme.com the definition of a meme is: "In the context of web logs / 'blogs / blogging and other kinds of personal web sites it's some kind of list of questions that you saw somewhere else and you decided to answer the questions. Then someone else sees them and does them and so on and so on. I generally consider these to be actual questions and not some multiple choice quizzes that determine some result at the end (what color you are most like, what cartoon character are you, what 80s movie are you)."

I didn't know what it was until a few hours ago. I had to look it up when a friend of mind on Twitter Maria (@BOREDmommy) tagged me in a post on her b log today. So now I have homework.... So here it goes.

1. Who is the hottest movie star?

Extremely hard question for me to answer. About a year ago I watched P.S. I Love You on DVD. That turned out to be the first of about 6 times that I watch it.... and counting. The reason for that is also the reason this is a hard question to answer. Do I have to pick just one???

2. Apart from your house and your car, what’s the most expensive item you’ve ever bought?

I am not a big shopper, particularly when it comes to buying things for myself. I have been a Mother almost half my life (shocking when I think about it!!) and when I have extra money to spend, things for my kids are far more important to me. Yes, when I started working in Real Estate, after I got my first commission cheque I did go out and spend $158 on a Roots Emily purse (and I notice I got a good deal because the price has gone up!) but the most money I ever spent at one time other than a vehicle or a house was $2,500 and it wasn't just for me. When my husband and I got engaged we realized that contrary to what we had thought during the dating portion of our relationship, we wanted to have a child together. Two years prior to this decision because I was having a routine procedure done I also have my tubes tied. It was a difficult decision to make for me especially after having suffering the lose that I had years earlier but at that point in my life it was what I wanted. This is where the purchase comes in. A month after my husband and I got married I had my tubes untied (Tubal Reanastomosis). We were told that due to my age (I was 34) we had about a 70% chance of getting pregnant within the first two years. My surgery date was September 13, I found out I was pregnant on November 8th. (that was why I had them tied in the first place... you just have to look at me funny and I get pregnant!) The best $2,500 we ever spent!

3. What’s your most treasured memory?
My most treasured memory isn't just one event. I think that my childhood is my most treasured memory. Don't get me wrong it wasn't like I had a Brady Bunch kind of family, did anyone? There were times when things weren't perfect but overall my parents made sure my sister and I were happy. I grew up knowing that I was loved and that my parents would do anything for me... and I still know that. Because they still do.

4.What was the best gift you ever received as a child?
With out hesitation... my Baby Alive Doll Christmas when I was 6!!! I was so excited when they brought her back and I picked one up for my daughter 2 Christmases ago.

5. What’s the biggest mistake you’ve made?
The biggest mistake I ever made was marrying my first husband. It is a mistake I would make over again if I had a choice. That choice made me the person I am today and gave me my two wonderful sons. My ex may be a waste of skin in my books, but he made two of the sweetest little boys ever.

6. 4 words to describe yourself:
Resilient - Curious - Overwhelmed - Smartass (is that one word??)

7. What was your highlight or lowlight of 2008?
The highlight of 2008 was seeing my daughter come into her own after we moved to our new house. There are a ton of kids her age and after 5 years of being the only little one in the house living on a street with no kids to play with her age it was great to watch enjoy her summer.

The lowlight was everything else that happened last year.

8. Favorite Film

I find it hard to narrow it down from two... both 80's flicks. "Say Anything" and "Pretty in Pink"

9. Tell me one thing about you I don't know.

I was born tongue-tied. Not in the figurative way... literally tongue-tied. So was my Grandfather, my father and my eldest. My doctor snipped my lingual frenum when I was about 6 months old and my son had surgery to have his released when he was 11 months old.

10. If you were a comic book/strip or cartoon character, who would you be?

I would be Betty Cooper from the Archie Comics. With dark hair not blond of course because I am no Veronica! Maria - Mommy Maria

Kelli - A Woman on the Edge

Natalie - Living and Loving Life in Erin Mills

Sherrie - Good Karma Baby!

Why I Cry Sometimes.....

2009-07-22T00:08:00.006-04:00

Seventeen years ago tomorrow I lost something I never got to have. Her name was Emilie and I will miss what she never got a chance to be until my dying day.

My first marriage was a mistake for many reasons but for what I got out of that marriage I would do it over again. We were barely back from our honeymoon when I found I was pregnant the first time. Ryan was a joy but at 22 I was overwhelmed with the unexpected change in my life and wanted to make sure that we had some time before having the second of the two children we planned for. Due to adverse reactions to the pill I had to resort to another method of birth control. My doctor and I discussed my options and I decided to go with an I.U.D. (Intrauterine Device). I was still breastfeeding so with everything else this seemed to be my best option. When Ryan was nine months old I started to feel odd. Yep sure enough I was pregnant.... again. My Ob/gyn did an exam and advised me that leaving the I.U.D. in place was the best thing to do. The string that is used to remove it had retracted and the only way to retrieve it would be to dilate my cervix and go in after it. According to the doctor doing that would most certainly result in miscarriage and as he had seen "hundreds" of babies safely delivered with a retained I.U.D. he saw no reason to "go digging for gold".

Everything was fine until I reached my 23rd week and I started to bleed. After talking to my doctor I went to the ER and was examined. The doctor there told me to go home, rest and see my OB on Monday. That was on Saturday afternoon. By early Sunday morning the bleeding had gotten much worse. Scared my ex-husband Mark and I took Ryan to my parents and went back to the hospital. They admitted me and ordered bed rest. There were no contractions and I wasn't dilated at all so I was told everything was going to be okay. I had an ultrasound on Wednesday morning but heard nothing from my doctor as to the results. No one told what they thought was causing the bleeding and I only saw my OB once for about 2 minutes in those 4 days. Around 3:00 that afternoon I started to feel cramps. I tried to put it out of my mind, hoping for the best but thinking the worst. By the time they were serving dinner I knew. My Dad was at home with Ryan so my Mother could be with me. Mom called Mark at work and told him he should come to the hospital.

I was not quite 24 weeks (according to my ultrasounds) and the doctor and nurses on duty told me that there really wasn't much hope. A baby born that early wouldn't have the lung maturity to survive long. They gave us the option of being taken to McMaster in Hamilton but they advised me that the outcome wouldn't be good and it would be best to just stay there and let nature take its course.

They moved me to a private room and we waited. As my labour became more intense Mark became agitated and thinking he wasn't handling things well my Mom gave him the option of going home to be with Ryan, which he jumped at. (what he actually did and where we went is a whole other post... ). I am so glad my Mother was there with me even though I know that being there will haunt her forever. Thank God for Demerol. I spent a good portion of the night in hard labour stoned out of my mind.

At 7:20 am on Thursday July 23rd, 1992 Emilie Anne was born. She was the tiniest, most beautiful little thing I'd ever seen. She weighed just under a kilogram and looked like her big brother. She lived for about two hours. I held her that whole time as she struggled to breath. My mother had trouble getting word to Mark not realizing that he had never picked Ryan up from my Father the night before and had gone into work that morning. He didn't make it in time to see her before she died. My OB came to see me a few hours later and patted me on the head saying "that's too bad" and left. After they took her from me I was in a fog. When the hospital asked about a funeral and Mark said no I didn't argue. I was a zombie. That is something I will regret forever. They sent me home the next day. I had to go through having my mild come in. My Mother tried to get me to get the doctor to prescribe me something to make it less uncomfortable but that discomfort was all I had left of my daughter. My body healed, but I will never be the same.

I have had people tell me that I need to "let it go", that it was a long time ago. Yes it was a long time ago, but she was my daughter and I will miss her forever. A year later when I held my newborn son Ian in my arms I felt the pain ease a bit. I went through a rough time for a couple of years but with help I worked through it. I learned to deal with the loss as best I could. I try not to think about the what ifs that go along with losing a child.

So every year about this time I get very weepy. I mourn for the child I love but never got a chance to know. Each year wondering what she would have been like. Being shocked last year that it had been 16 years and she would have been old enough to get her driver's license. I look at my 5 year old daughter Brooke, as I have since she was born ,and wonder if she looks like her sister. When people ask me how many children I have I tell them three. Not because I have forgotten about Emilie but because to tell them I have four would mean I would have to explain that she died and there have been very few times in the last seventeen years that I have been able to do that without tears.

Happy Birthday Emilie... Mommy loves you.

Wordless Wednesday - How Time Has Flown By!

2009-07-15T10:55:00.003-04:00

How can it be 6 years since this was taken???

My first last baby and my second last baby.

Ian and Brooke August 2003

My Infinite Playlist.....

2009-07-04T11:17:00.007-04:00

I've always felt that running with the right music is like dancing with a whole lot of forward movement. This is what is doing it for me right now:

Boom Boom Pow

Black Eyed Peas (4:10)

my"Power Song"on Nike+ when I need some oomph

Let's Get It Started

Black Eyed Peas (3:37)

New Divide

Linkin Park (4:29)

just saw Transformers2 so had to download it

Right Round

Flo Rida (3:27)

Pump It

Black Eyed Peas (3:32)

Womanizer

Brittany Spears (4:43)

I Gotta Feeling

Black Eyed Peas (4:49)

Hot N Cold

Katy Perry (3:40)

should be my theme song!

I Kissed a Girl

Katy Perry (3:00)

the 1 chorus with the right/left fade makes me dizzy

So What!

Pink (3:34)

Firestarter

Prodigy (4:39)

his voice reminds me of Johnny Rotten

Salute Your Solution

The Raconteurs (2:59)

I Like to Move It

Madagascar 5 (3:12)

not a typo that is the band name not the movie

You're Gonna Go Far Kid

The Offspring (2:57)

Mercy

Duffy (3:39)

Blue Monday

Orgy (4:27)

All These Things I've Done

The Killers (5:01)

SexyBack

Justin Timberlake (4:02)

A Question of Time

Depeche Mode (4:00)

The Pretender

Foo Fighters (4:31)

Paralyzer

Finger Eleven (3:24)

Gone Daddy Gone

Gnarls Barkley (2:28)

Low

Flo Rida (3:50)

C'mon C'mon

The Von Bondies (2:13)

Capital G

Nine Inch Nails (3:49)

These 25 songs go for 1.7 hours according to iTunes. I don't always listen to them all in order. Some days I need a bit of a shuffle to get me through. I wouldn't even necessarily say that these are songs I "like" when not running but they do the job for me when I'm on the trails.

The times they are a changin'....

2009-06-22T16:46:00.011-04:00

They say that misery loves company but I'm not so sure. I have heard from a few people that the past few days have been rough... feeling a bit down and stressed. Maybe it's the end of the school year/change of season that has everyone a bit at loose ends.

The past couple of weeks a lot of changes have been brewing at my house. The most disconcerting for me right now is my eldest at the tender age of 18 is moving into his own place. Always very independent he has been talking about this for a couple years. In the past it was always a scenario with him and a close friend getting a place together once they were done High School and working full time. In reality it hasn't played out that way. The plan has come to fruition all too quickly for me to digest and when I go over the chain of events I realize I facilitated it to a large degree. What was I thinking????

My first born and I were sitting watching tv one evening a couple of weeks ago when he off handedly mentioned that he had called an ad he found on Kijiji for a bachelor apartment downtown and was going to go and see it the next day. Being the ever cool headed Mom that I am my reactions was.... "Over my dead f**king body you are!" Visions of my son's limp body crumpled in a heap in a dark alley in crack central spun through my head. I had been expecting this to be coming soon... he was now officially a 1st year apprentice mechanic and had just been told he was hired full time at the auto shop his father works at. I didn't expect him to start looking at ads the next day! He has inherited more than just my looks it seems... patience when it comes to new things is not a virtue that I possess. After a few moments of stony silence a thought started forming in my head. I had a triplex listed that is owned by a client that I have known for a long time. Viewings had been frequent but as yet no offers. The owner had decided to advertise for tenants in the 2 vacant units and had already filled the largest one. Here is where I completely lost my mind... I heard myself saying to him "Do you want me to talk to Jason about the 1 bedroom unit on Cameron St.?" Guess what his response was???

Well here we are 2 weeks later and Ryan is moving in this coming weekend. He is an adult, of sorts, I have accepted that and I know if this is what he wants to do there is not much I can do to stop it, and if I did try it would only cause problems between us. At least this way I have some input, if no control, and I know that Jason will keep an eye on him a bit. He knows I am here if he needs me and I know he will be around when he misses his Mommy (or in need of food).

My other big change is one that I am going to have to come to grips with over the summer. My baby isn't a baby any more. Today was my girlie's kindergarten graduation. As it was with the other two times I attended this type of ceremony, I steeled myself and swore there would be no tears. I failed miserably as I knew I would. It didn't help listening to one of the teary eyed kindergarten teachers tell us how the teachers were reluctantly returning to us our children a little taller and a little more mature than they were two years ago entrusting us to continue to guide them as we have been doing. When I glanced beside me and caught Daddy wiping tears from his eyes... stick a fork in me... I was done.

So much is changing over the summer around my house. There are good and bad sides to all the changes. I will miss Ryan more than I think I even realize and it's going to be tough on everyone not having him here..... but.... the basement will no longer be Ryan's domain and will become a rec room. Room for Brooke to have a place to play, I will have a corner to set up an office, there will be a little more room to move around in our tiny house. When school starts in September Brooke will be in school all day. Something that she has been wanting all year. No more rushing to cram in everything I want to get done in the 2 hours the she is in school..... but... no more days of just Mommy and Brooke hanging out and doing what needs to be done. I will have more freedom but it comes with a pretty big price tag.

I read an article a few years back in which the writer was talking about savouring the time we have with our kids while they are small because it is so fleeting. He described those times as big bellied years. And that you only get two big bellied summers. It has really been hitting me lately that my time as a Mommy to those chubby little toddlers is over. They are growing up, they need me less everyday. But even as they become independent wholly formed people I hope they will always let me be their Momma... I hope they never get too old for that.

It's Time to Come Clean!

2009-06-15T23:13:00.012-04:00

I haven't been a very honest person and it's stressing me out. There are a lot of people that have no idea who I really am. Part of the reason for this is that I haven't really been that honest with myself. We spend so much of our lives living up to the labels we give ourselves and the labels given to us by others. There in lies my problem. I don't know what my label is. There used to be a time not that long ago when I could answer the question "Who are you?" without batting an eye. I was full-time Mom, Wife, Step mom and Realtor. That all changed a little over a year ago. After a rough couple of years I thought my marriage was over. No one was happy. The blended family thing seemed beyond our grasp. There was resentment, hurt feelings, arguments, crying and days of stony silence. It wasn't a healthy place for anyone to live, especially an innocent 4 year old girl. So I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to go through it all over again. Tearing my world apart and finding my footing in the rubble. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an easy choice, that was the most gut wrenching decision I have ever had to make but it was one that I felt I had no choice about. The situation was beyond dysfunctional and no matter how much I loved my husband, my kids come first and I wasn't doing them any favours keeping them in that environment. So it was done. We sold the house. But... and with us there is always a but... I couldn't deal with the thought of not having him in my life. We decided to try and work on things. We had committed ourselves to the move that couldn't be changed. What we could do was try and fix what we had and build on that. We'd live apart for a year. The separation would be in address only and only when necessary due to sleeping arrangements and limited space in my downsized house. That was the plan.

This is where my being unsure of my labels comes in. I will always be Mom, that is 24/7 forever. I'm still hanging tough and the Realtor title has stuck. The rest of it, I am just not that sure of. There are times when I feel like a wife and times when I don't. As far as Step mom goes, that one has faded beyond recognition. And I am pretty certain there is one person in particular who's doing a happy dance about that. The resentment, hurt feelings, stony silences and arguments are still around. The focus has changed a bit but they are still there.

So that's it... The year has come and gone. There are still no plans to move forward. A big chunk of the last 13 months have sucked. Counter productive would be a good word for it. I live in limbo. There are days when I am hopeful and there are days when I have given up. The rest of the time I spend sitting on a proverbial shelf waiting for someone to tell me what to do next. Last year I turned 40 and I'm pretty sure I'm old enough now to have my shit together. My sons are almost adults. There is a lot that I regret for their sakes but they are smart independent young men, and they have a pretty good handle on life. When I think of my daughter my heart aches. She will be 6 this summer. I owe it to her because she thinks this is normal. It's time to give her a better normal, whatever that turns out to be. So that is what I am going to do. I'm thinking it ain't going to be pretty, but most things in life start off that way. In my life anyway. So single Mom or firefighter's wife, whichever it happens to be, the one thing that I can count on is... I'm Jill, 40 year old Mom of three, daughter, sister, friend and runner. I may not be perfect, I'm doing my best.

2009-06-08T12:54:00.005-04:00

Last summer I received an email from an old friend from high school with a link inviting me to join something called Twitter. In my past experience no harm has ever come to me following the advice of a librarian, particularly one as tech savvy and knowledgeable of all things media as Mr. Gerry Vogel. So I clicked on the link, joined Twitter and starting following people. Okay I’ll be honest the learning curve was huge, I followed Gerry aka @ARTHUR_FRAYN and left Twitter never to return.

Or so I thought. Life continued as it had and I stayed true to my old friend facebook. Facebook has been good to me. I have reconnected with friends I played Barbies with back in the days when I wore pigtails. I’ve communicated with my Real Estate clients and even played a game or two Scrabble. But facebook kept changing and all those quizzes and ads for diet pills and online education tend to wear on you after a while. Yes your cousin’s, neighbour’s, co-workers new baby/house/car/birthday party pictures are wonderful but…..I was bored with it all.

This winter I started to hear more and more about Twitter on television and in the media. Mostly on @TheEllenShow along with a few others and decided that this Twitter thing might be worth a second look. So I logged back on (after requesting the reminder for my password because hey, I’m 40, 4 months is a long time to remember anything these days). I started following some celebrities, and even had some conversations with @MelissaEGilbert , @MarielHemingway and @YummyMummyClub (Canada’s own Erica Ehm). I found other Realtors local and beyond. I was inspired to be the best I could be. I networked and celeb stalked with the best of them. I found myself being inspired and inspiring others. I was getting the hang of tweeting and was becoming quite the twit if I do say so myself. Fast forward a few months and a few hundred followers and followees and I found myself asking Erica Ehm if she wanted to join my friend Lori and me when we run in the Mid Summer Night’s Run for the SickKids Foundation on August 22nd in Toronto. To my surprise she said yes and this is what it’s become. (thanks @SharonDV )

So now that my name has actually appeared in a blog post. In one by a big time Mommy Blogger no less, I figured it was time to go completely over to the dark side and become a blogger myself. Be gentle…. It’s my first time.